Surviving (and sometimes thriving) as a kinship carer
Mar 2025
Written by Noel Macnamara
We never expected to become kinship carers to two grandchildren carrying the weight of past trauma, but life had other plans. If someone had told us years ago that we would be navigating daily conflicts over who ate all the ice cream overnight—while also managing deep emotional triggers set off by something as simple as a change in tone of voice or a particular look in our 60s, we would have laughed. Yet, this is the reality of kinship care for us. It is complex, exhausting, and at times overwhelming, but it is also deeply meaningful.
The “normal” teenager myth
People who have neurotypical, trauma-free children in their care might complain about things like, “Ugh, they’re always on their phones” or “They won’t clean their room!” Meanwhile, we are over here celebrating when a conversation unfolds without defensiveness, when a difficult emotion is expressed with words instead of anger, or when they manage a change in routine without distress. Progress might mean they completed a full day of school, slept through the night without nightmares, or allowed themselves to accept comfort when struggling. These moments may seem small to others, but for us, they are significant steps toward healing and trust.
The joy of being an accidental therapist
When you sign up for kinship care, nobody hands you a degree in psychology, but suddenly, you’re playing counsellor, mediator, and detective—all at the same time. Every meltdown comes with a secret backstory that you have to unravel like some sort of trauma CSI unit. Is today’s argument about who ate the last cookie or actually about loss and abandonment issues? Who knows! But I’d better approach it with more care than a bomb squad.
The art of creative conflict resolution
Granddaughter A: “She stole my hoodie!”
Granddaughter B: “It was just sitting there!”
Me: “Let’s reframe this. Perhaps the hoodie simply wanted to be worn by someone new today?”
Both Granddaughters: stare at me in horror.
Me: “Okay, okay, I remember washing your hoodie. Come with me to that mysterious place downstairs. Yes, the laundry.”
Self-care (or lack thereof)
People love to say, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” Sometimes our cup is not just empty; it has fallen off the counter three days ago, shattered, and the dog knocked it under the fridge. In all seriousness, kinship care requires finding moments of peace wherever they arise—whether it’s pausing to take a deep breath before responding, savouring a quiet cup of tea, or stepping outside for a few minutes of fresh air. These small acts of self-care aren’t luxuries; they’re essential for maintaining the patience, resilience, and compassion needed to navigate this journey.
The unexpected joys
Yes, it’s chaos. Yes, it’s exhausting. But sometimes, amidst the emotional landmines and laundry piles and holes in walls, there are these perfect little moments—when they randomly tell a joke that actually lands and you can laugh together, or when they tentatively let you in on a piece of their world, or when they finally believe you’re not going anywhere. Those moments? They make it all worth it.
So, to all the kinship carers out there: We see you. You’re not alone in this wild, messy, hilarious, and deeply meaningful journey. If your cup feels empty, remember to refill it in ways that truly nourish you—taking care of yourself isn’t just important—it’s necessary for the care you give to others.
What are hundreds of grandparents saying about their experience of kinship care? Join our free webinar panel on the 9th of April 2025 to hear researchers discuss the key messages from grandparent kinship carers and the implications for policy and practice.
Want more support on your kinship care journey? Our on-demand training, Ordinary People, Extraordinary Hearts, is designed to help kinship carers create safe, nurturing, and healing environments for the children in their care. Learn from experts, connect with real stories, and gain practical strategies to navigate the challenges—and joys—of kinship care.
