Having meaningful conversations with children and young people in out-of-home care about consent, while critically important, can be tricky. These consent conversations need to keep both young people and carers or professionals safe across discussing a range of topics, from navigating boundaries in primary school friendships to understanding consent for sexual activity.

This year, ACF, CETC, and OzChild have collaborated with carers and young people to develop an online training course for carers about this critical issue of consent, which will be piloted with a group of OzChild carers from 1 July. With support from the Department of Families, Fairness and Housing in Victoria, a series of projects in response to the revised State laws around affirmative consent seek to provide clarity: that consent is more about ongoing enthusiastic agreement than a simple “yes” or “no”. Affirmative consent includes the legal responsibility to say or do something to check for consent, which can never be assumed.

Consent must be freely given, enthusiastic, reversible, specific, informed and ongoing.

During the next three months, we will share some of the reflections, ideas, and support strategies that have arisen during our work on the project.

Foundations for conversations

It is never too early (or late!) to have consent conversations. It’s important to stop and consider who might be best placed to have these conversations, and when.  Learning about consent ideally starts when children are young. Children learn about asking for consent to borrow their friend’s book or if they are comfortable to give their relative a hug goodbye. Households model consent by knocking on doors before entering bedrooms or asking before borrowing the items of others. These early conversations and behaviours lay the foundations for children and young people understanding consent. Our conversations then deepen as children’s relationships expand and change during adolescence.

For some young people in out-of-home care, these foundations of holding early consent conversations and modelling behaviours may have been missed. Moving between houses, carers, or schools can mean conversations are missed or assumed to have happened. Sometimes, there are so many other pressing issues, consent conversations are lost or forgotten. Some children and young people may also have had experiences that undermine or confuse the topic of consent, with interactions and experiences that do not feature consent in any way. For this reason, we need to stop and consider what might be needed, led by the needs of the child or young person.

How do you know when to talk?

Each child or young person will be at different developmental and chronological ages (that do not always align). Their life experiences, friendship groups, experiences of abuse or neglect, or other current risks can all inform the timing and urgency of conversations. It’s important to talk to the care team and determine the young person’s readiness to have conversations and where these conversations should start.

As young people enter puberty, they undergo many physical, social, cognitive, and emotional changes. Some may begin to explore romantic relationships, while others may have already experienced intimate relationships beyond their developmental readiness. Consent may be a new concept or be surrounded by myths absorbed from social media and movies.

The concept of consent is built upon understanding relationships, interactions, safety, and social skills. For this reason, many young people in out-of-home care benefit from broader discussions about healthy and unhealthy relationships, setting boundaries, and respecting the boundaries of others. These foundations can be introduced and revisited over time to build readiness for more direct discussions of sexual consent when the young person is ready.

Remember, these conversations are not a ”one-off” but are ongoing and change with the young person’s development.

Creating safe spaces to talk consent

You don’t need to be an expert about consent. Your connection with the young person and creating a safe and trusted space for them to raise issues or questions is most important. Talk to the care team about planning conversations for topics you feel less confident discussing and to explore any safety or wellbeing needs for the young person.

Consider the location and timing of conversations and how you plan to stop conversations if needed. Be patient, as ongoing conversations take time to develop, and young people may need time to process information.

We look forward to sharing feedback and further developments on the pilot training course as the OzChild carers progress.

For more on discussing safe relationships and affirmative consent, join us for our upcoming July online workshop called Tackling tricky conversations: Affirmative consent, pornography, and social media.